On Our Minds

Planning on making a New Year's resolution this year? If so, we hope you're planning for one that's real gentle and kind for yourself. If you need help thinking of one (and feel free to ditch the idea entirely), we've got some suggestions for you.

Resolution 1: Lose all the "should's" when it comes to grieving. No more, "I should go to the cemetary more" or "I should be feeling happier by now" or "I should stop feeling so tired." When it comes to grief, you just get to feel how you feel.

Resolution 2: Say your person's name who died. When our person dies, it often feels like everyone stops saying their name out loud so that you won't feel sad. Well, you probably DO feel sad; and it may help to say your person's name and tell stories about them to help keep your person alive.

Resolution 3: Don't apologize for crying. Do you sometimes burst into tears in front of others and then feel embarrassed? Well, guess what? You get to be a human who is feeling sad and missing your person!

Resolution 4: Accept the fact that some friends suck at showing up. We wish all our friends knew what to say or what not to say, that they'd check in and keep inviting us to stuff. But the reality? Some won't. Try telling them what you need (for example, "I know you might assume I'd like to be alone but it would feel better if you called me to see how I'm doing.") If they still refuse to show up, it may be worth considering whether they're a true friend.

Resolultion 5: Say yes to help. You don't have to carry grief alone, and we recommend you don't. When someone offers help, go ahead and say yes if you could use it. Yes to helping with errands, studying, driving you somewhere, taking you for dinner. Not everyone will pull through, but some will, and that's enough!

Any resolutions you either want to try out oor that you'd add to the list? Go to @griefsucksdotcom on IG and let us know!

Ugh, sympathy cards are the worst. Well, maybe not getting any card or message at all is kind of worse but the cards are still real bad. All of that glossy gold lettering and pastel flowers and talk about sending blessings and “things happen for a reason.” And what are we supposed to do with them after reading them? Because we're definitely not saving them!

That said, we recently came across these awesome sympathy cards from a company called Em and Friends (and no, we didn’t get a penny from them for promotion). They are so great!

You can find the featured card here.

Other sentiments we love from the collection:

"No card can make this better. But I'm giving it to you anyway."

"I see you. Not in a creepy "watching you from afar while hiding behind a tree" kind of way...more like a "I know you're going through some stuff and I'm here for you kind of way."

"I know this day really sucks for you. I'm thinking of you."

Check out their whole "empathy collection" here. 

Cheers to the founder and illustrator Emily McDowell, who created the line in 2012 and then joined forces with the brand "Knock, Knock" in 2018, "uniting two sister brands under one kickass umbrella." We love your umbrella.

One of the many reasons that grief can make teens feel alone is that their friends who haven't experienced it often don't know how to talk about it. They don't know what to say or how to act, and so they might even ignore the person grieving, for fear of saying the wrong thing.

Here's what some of our Youth Advisory Board shared with us about their friends:

"They try so hard to understand what you are going through and say they do know what you are going through. But they don't know. As years go by and if I talk about it, they get more used to talking about it. The people that saw me go through grief and were friends before are more comfortable and want me to talk about him. They know that some days are harder than others and you have bad days and are upset because you miss your person and they are there for you." (Olivia, age 16, dad died)

"My non-grieving friends never talk about grief and my father's death. They look at it as uncomfortable and something to avoid at all costs." (Yehuda, age 17)

"Yes, my friends talk about how they are happy they don’t need to deal with it." (Bobbie, age 16, father died)

"My friends definitely talk about death, they all have expressed some grief. We all know about each others' grieving experiences and know how to comfort everyone in our friend group."  (Virginia, age 17, father died)

"Not really. Most of my friends don't really know how to approach the subject of my brother dying. They can be uncomfortable when I bring it up so I try to avoid it around them. Most of them have little to no experience with grief as well. At the most they will talk about their most recent loss like a grandparent." (Greyson, age 15)

"When the subject of my dad's death is brought up, my friends seem very uncomfortable. My friends sometimes try to compare my loss to things like their dads working a lot. Sometimes people have said just plain rude, and mean comments, which makes me wonder if I should talk about it at all." (Lola, age 12)

Do you talk about your grief with friends who haven't experienced death? Why or why not? Go to @griefsucksdotcom and let us know!
 

There's so much talk about how generations think and behave differently from another. Like, is Gen Z really that different from Millennials? How is Gen Alpha going to be different that Gen Z? It got us wondering, how do teens say their generation grieves differently than their parents' generation? We asked a group of grieving teens from across the country, and here's what some of them said:

"My generation is more emotional towards death. In my parents' generation there was obviously death and sadness but it didn't impact their emotional systems as much as it is for us." (Janiyah, age 17)

"I think different generations grieve differently because of the impact that social media has on our society. Also the different recourses to access." (Virginia, age 18)

"I think we have more resources and are more open about our feelings. We are able to share our experiences with others and grow together through them. We are also taught that is good to talk about grief and express our emotions. Our parents' generation is not as comfortable talking about grief or expressing their feelings." (Greyson, age 15)

"My parents' generation were kinda of told to get over it and move on. This generation allows us to grieve a little more." (Jaylen, age 14)

"Since me and my mom both lost our dads at the same age, we have lots of similarities but at the same, there are many differences in how we each grieve. For one thing, I got to go to grief camp; plus there are more music, books,films, tv shows, and social media platforms that are made to help deal with grief then when my mom was a kid. I think the conversation of grief is not as avoided as it used to be." (Lola, age 12)

"I don't know a lot about how my parents' generation grieves, but I know especially with my dad's side of the family, generally they are very quiet about it. They seem to do it in private a lot, that's just how they grieve." (Kristiana, age 17)

by Louie C., age 14

I lost my dad when I was six, and he was my best friend. I find that honoring him can be incredibly hard yet enjoyable at the same time, and both of these feelings are completely normal. Experience Camps taught me the saying, “It is okay to be okay,” which I totally agree with–especially on the anniversary of your person’s death.

When the date of my father’s death comes around, on October 3rd,  I am never sure whether or not I would like to ignore the date or recognize it. I don’t really enjoy talking about his death on the day. It isn’t like I’m ashamed, I just find it hard and exhausting to try and explain what this day means to me because I am already sad about it. Plus, they don’t always understand.

So instead of talking, I choose to find an activity to honor my dad. For the past few years, my mom and I have been planting flowers to celebrate his life. We like to do this because it gives us an activity that we both enjoy doing, and I can put my emotions into planting flowers instead of struggling to talk about it with people. 

How can you pick a good activity?

There are many things you can do in honor of your special person who has died. It does not have to be gardening like my family does. To help you figure out what you would like to do, think of something your person was known for. It can be something as simple as listening to music they liked, or visiting a place they loved to go.

In the past, when my family lived in NYC, we would visit a park my dad loved every year. We even had the park’s management department engrave his name and a little saying onto a bench in the park, and we would invite others to have a picnic there. 

So, when the day comes around for your person who died, let it all out: cry, feel everything, and even lay in bed all day. But also try to find some time to celebrate your person’s life in ways big or small. 

It can be confusing figuring out if we should post on our social media about our person who died. Will we feel better after posting? A hundred times worse? Get weird comments and regret it? Feel pressure to respond to comments, even if we don't feel like it? 

Here's the truth: there is no right or wrong answer about whether to post about your person who died. What’s important is that we take the time to think about our choice with intention because there’s no taking it back if we do post. 

Here are thoughts we heard from teens…

Aari: “I share things on social media about my father who died because I feel like by sharing a little bit of my story to my followers, it brings light to reality and the topic of grief that so many people push away.”

Ali: “I posted a picture of my dad when he died—it was one of my favorites. I didn’t have any deeper reasoning, it was just nice to share a photo of him out of love.”

Kiki: “I don't post. The people I tell about my loved one’s deaths are super close to me, but social media is super expansive, and I’m not close with everyone that I follow or am followed by.”

Avner: “I chose not to make a post about my father dying because it is not something I felt I should be trying to make public. People who know me knew what happened, and it wasn't necessary to tell everyone about it.”

How do YOU feel about posting on social media about your person dying? Good idea? bad idea? What wisdom can you drop on this? 

Go to @GRIEFSUCKSDOTCOM on IG and let us know!

We asked many grieving young people for their favorite comfort snacks at times when they’re feeling particularly griefy. We liked the weird and super specific responses, like "tuna fish sandwich with potato chips mashed up in the tuna for extra crunch" and the simple ones like "spoonfuls of peanutbutter right out of the jar."

But when it comes to the most common go-to treats, here are the most popular favorites: 

#4 Chips (bring on salt, you told us)

#3 Chocolate (bars, brownies, cake, cookies, mmmm, melty, sugary chocolate of whatever kind)

#2 Ice cream (um, can you believe vanilla, plain VANILLA, is the #1 flavor pick in the U.S.?)

#1 Pizza (Did you know teens are the age group to eat the most pizza in our country?)

Where do you stand on these four faves? Do you have a different go-to comfort food not listed above? 

Tell us @GRIEFSUCKSDOTCOM on IG and let us know. This is important info!

One of the hardest parts about grief: when people tell you things to "cheer you up" - and those things happen to suck. Like, they make you want to scream or cry or hide in your closet. 

Granted, it’s hard to know exactly what to say to someone who is greiving. But below are a few things many of us don't want to hear. Like, ever. (That said, we know what might upset one person can feel exactly right to another.)

“It’s all part of God’s plan.” Says Gina, age 12: “I mean, seriously? God wanted my father to die in a horrible accident and that was part of some big master plan? I don’t think so!”

“You will get over your grief.” Says Max, age 17, “Ummmm, no, I won’t! We’re talking about my BROTHER who DIED. I’m not going to get over it.”

“Let me know if you need anything.” Says Frank, age 15, “What am I supposed to say back to that? Could you do my homework for a month? If you want to do something nice for me, cool, do it! Don’t make me come up with something and then ask you for it.”

Are there cringey things people have said to YOU? Share it.

Go to @GRIEFSUCKSDOTCOM on IG and let us know! Bonus points if you tell us what you wish they would say!

You wake up in the middle night - heart racing - because you just had a dream about your person who died. Maybe it was a sweet dream where you felt overjoyed to spend time with them again. Maybe it was a nightmare where something awful happened (ACK, not again!), or you learned in the dream they've gone on a long trip and were not actually dead this whole time (yep, this is a common one). It can be disorienting at best, and totally disturbing at worst.

How do you comfort yourself in the middle of the night when there's no one to talk to and also not enough distractions?

Here are 3 ways:

1. Breathe. Try a breathing exercise such as "4-7-8 breathing" (inhale for four seconds, hold for seven seconds, and exhale for eight seconds).

2. Ground. Get your body grounded (meaning, you want to feel solidly back in your body) by using your sense of smell: take a long sniff of a scented item you find soothing, such as an essential oil, scented lotion, or even your favorite shampoo. Maybe keep the scented product by your bed for this very reason.

3. Release. Move your body to get rid of stressful energy. Walk around the house, shake out your arms and legs (no one is watching), jump up and down a few times. You can also just stretch gently if you don't want to wake yourself up even more.

Had a weird grief dream recently or in the past? Share it with our community so we can support each other.

Go to @GRIEFSUCKSDOTCOM on IG and tell us about it.